Negotiation Strategies During Mediation

Separation leads to conflict - there is no way around it. In any separation, opposing parties have different wants and interests. They both feel they are entitled to certain things. The ultimate goal is getting resolution, and ending the conflict. The attorney’s role in separation is helping a party achieve resolution with favorable results. This is not always easy, and it is rare for either party to get exactly what they are seeking. Finding middle ground and compromising is often the key to reaching resolution. The mediator's role is facilitating the conversation and negotiations that lead to agreement and resolution. The important thing is understanding what you are likely entitled to, and what you are asking for – seeking more than you would likely end up with is a recipe for disappointment as you will feel like you are losing with every compromise.
 
Traditional negotiation strategies focus on four basic tenets:

1. Separate the emotion from the problem – focus on the negotiation, not the situation.
2. Don’t be too concerned with the other side’s position and what they are asking for – instead, focus on what the other side is interested in, what they really want.
3. Work cooperatively to achieve a win-win situation – attempt to achieve a result where both parties feel like they are winners.
4. Establish mutually agreed-upon standards that both sides can use to evaluate whether they have achieved a win-win solution.

 
Traditional negotiation strategy is a very logical, rational way of jointly achieving conflict resolution. This approach is a problem-solving method that places a systematic emphasis on reaching an agreement. The problem is traditional, logical, rational negotiation strategy is not very effective – in practice it rarely works.  
 
Traditional negotiation strategy appeals to academics, but it is removed from the emotions that exist at a negotiation table. This approach makes the assumption that people are not animalistic, unreliable, and irrational beings. It is not easy, for example, to place objective value on time with your children, dividing the belongings in your home you have shared with your family, or paying support to the ex-spouse that cheated on you. Instead of rational thought, emotions come into play, which make it nearly impossible to not be concerned about the other side’s position. It is very clear – emotionally driven negotiations cannot be approached with rational bargaining methods.
 
So what is the solution to successful negotiation? How do I get the outcome I want and need from my own divorce? To begin with, emphasis must be removed from quid pro quo bargaining and problem solving. Instead, emotions, and learning to use them to your benefit, are central to effective negotiation. Emphasis needs to be placed on calming people down, establishing rapport, gaining trust, expressing the needs of your position, and empathetic persuasion. Ask questions like “What are you going through?” “How does that make you feel?” and “How am I supposed to do that?” Introducing emotion into a rational mindset can modify response. Emotions and instincts are much more powerful than logic and can influence rational thought. Changing the behavior and shifting the emotional environment of the other party can help you obtain the outcome you need.
 
So before you attempt to negotiate your separation, consider not just what makes sense logically in determining how to divide assets and debts, paying or receiving support, and a child custody arrangement that works best for all parties, but consider what emotional triggers and desires the other party has – try to figure out what they are really interested in and what they really want. Use that understanding to build a plan that works for everyone involved. 
 
Conflict is often the path to great deals, and at some point every negotiation gets down to old-fashioned haggling. The important thing to remember is that to successfully negotiate, you have to be prepared – and that means better knowing and understanding the rational and emotional aspects of the other party.
 
To learn more about negotiation techniques and strategy, consider reading and reviewing the following books:
 
Getting To Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, Roger Fisher and William Ury
 
Getting Past No: Negotiating With Difficult People, William Ury
 
Bargaining For Advantage, Richard Shell
 
Beyond Winning, Robert Mnookin
 
Start With NO, Jim Camp
 
No: The Only Negotiating System You’ll Ever Need, Jim Camp
 
Making Money Talk: How To Mediate Insured Claims And Other Monetary Disputes, J. Anderson Little
 
Wired for Conflict, Sondra S. VanSant
 
Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It, Chris Voss
 
Getting Ready To Negotiate, Roger Fisher and Danny Ertel
 
Getting Together: Building Relationships As We Negotiate, Roger Fisher
 
You Just Don’t Understand, Deborah Tannen
 
Talking From 9 To 5, Deborah Tannen
 
In A Different Voice, Carol Gilligan
 
Games People Play, Eric Berne
 
The Magic Of Rapport, Jerry Richardson
 
The Human Factor At Work, Eric Oliver
 
Influencing With Integrity, Genie Z. Laborde
 
Control Theory, William Glasser
 
Pre-Suasion: A Revolutionary Way To Influence And Persuade, Robert Cialdini
 
Influence: The Psychology Of Persuasion, Robert Cialdini

If you are interested in learning more about mediation, and the mediation process, please contact Mediation Solutions. We are located in Huntersville, NC, and are glad to offer a complimentary consultation to see if we may be of service to you.